What does a person feel when they see their life breaking down within a simple weekend that should be filled with physical and mental relaxation and meaningful moments with their loved ones? Unfortunately, the 66-year-old Aidy experiences all the distressing emotions that a person can feel to the fullest, reaching the point, not simply of emotional instability, but of a complete psychological self-disintegration, a crushing of personal identity and family drama. As the hours pass, everything suggests that the hero will not regain his strength, neither mentally nor emotionally. Will he manage to come out safe and intact from this emotional turmoil? Will he begin to understand his emotional state and what led him to reach that point, and ultimately regain balance in his life? How easy is it, after all, to rise again and fight for anything valuable that you have lost, having already lost your hope and your hopeful perspective on life?
The promising and multi-talented author Ashley Hickson-Lovence uses both his narrative skill as a specialist in creative writing and the emotional closeness that his language offers to narrate the life of a man who tries to close the distance between reality and an idealized life. While this is not the first time the adept author and literary critic explores the intricacies of human emotion—as previously seen in Wild East, which charts a teenager's messy emotional journey—About to Fall Apart is widely considered the peak of this thematic effort. It is a deeply anthropocentric book; he is interested in how a human being manages the multiple pressures and burdens of life, how they grapple with emotional conflicts, and how they are called to repair pieces of their life and of themselves.
As for the plot, we follow the internal struggles of a man who has just had a fight with a colleague at his workplace, leading to a very distant atmosphere while at the same time trying to engage with writing a strange story about an airplane accident that costs a child their soul, and the overwhelming grief of a mother who cannot find comfort anywhere. At the same time, being in the midst of the borders of Ireland and struggling to integrate into the place, he faces family challenges as he tries to restore and mend his relationship with his children and search for his biological mother. Among so many hardships and obstacles, he fights a quiet battle to make peace with himself and to believe in the power of love again. This book truly holds a place among the accomplishments of contemporary literature, as it stands out for the way the plot is constructed. Although it is prose, it feels as if one is reading a long poem in a prose style. This makes the language more dramatic, with a focus on specific words and scenes, and it more plainly conveys the most moving moments the hero experiences, while at the same time forming a kaleidoscope of the utmost private reflections, shortcomings, and ongoing frustrations that the main character faces. As one reads the book, they are immersed in all the emotions, from frustration and sadness to emotional unease. But the most important question that arises is whether, even amid chaos within the emotional inner void, there exists a flicker of hope that will touch people’s hearts and give them a powerful enough motivation to believe in the value of life despite all the problems that go along with it.
The story of Aidy begins in an intense way, full of obstacles, traumatic moments, and outbursts of anger. He has lost his self-control as he lashes out violently, hitting a colleague full of rage and an anger that refuses to subside. He seems to be unable to think clearly, which leads him down dangerous paths, putting his physical safety in danger as he drives recklessly and drinks alcohol, believing it will make him feel better. In his mind, there is complete confusion, anxiety, and intense stress that does not ease. Anger dominates, fear prevails, and his fantasies become increasingly dangerous. He tries to get home and continue writing his story, all the while facing a strict deadline. At this point, it becomes apparent how difficult it can be for someone to manage their restrained emotions, to stay calm in difficult moments, to choose a logical approach to the situation, and not to lash out emotionally. The protagonist’s encumbered emotional past, his open family wounds, and the difficulty of fitting into a society where marginalisation is evident all wound his emotional core, and this can have distressing repercussions as they push the individual toward futile and unjust behaviours. Trauma does not remain only internal but is expressed outwardly through words that are abrasive or through phrases that are blurted out, but in reality, they are the result of a compounded, underlying anxiety that has not been properly processed. We observe the behaviour of a protagonist who has many unresolved lingering pieces, who feels that he does not belong anywhere, who experiences racial prejudice and social bias, something that drives him to unjustifiable behaviours as a response to the mishandling of his personal and social identity. What may trigger the reader, and reasonably so, is that this is not a protagonist who lives an embellished life full of drama, but one who lives within it; the drama and trauma control him. It is a successful choice by the author as he literally investigates the dark depths of this man’s soul and brings to light all the inconsistencies, the emotional instability, and the inability to take control of his emotional life. On the one hand, a dangerous man; on the other, a broken one.
And the main character’s drama does not stop in his personal life but develops in the stories he writes as well, such as that of the footballer who loses his life during a flight. It is as if he, too, rewrites the drama of his own life, as if he constantly re-experiences it everywhere, as if it is something that envelops him and does not allow him to breathe. The feeling of fear is prolonged throughout; there is always a sense of danger. The present merges with past traumatic moments and concurrently jeopardizes what lies ahead. The protagonist struggles to find the truth about his family and to reconnect with his origins, and his fragmented memory weakens his effort, all the while, the pressure of time to respond to his daily obligations is suffocating. The author brings to light the very serious issue of family loss, as the protagonist has not communicated with his mother for years, writing her letters without receiving any response. Despite his evident trauma, at heart, he has the desire to connect meaningfully and longs for a return to a nurturing embrace even after years of absence and distance, something that is deeply human and necessary, to return to where one is loved.
The voice of a mother that is no longer heard, the answers that remain suspended, and a past that constantly haunts the protagonist’s soul and divides his own family and social happiness. Due to this, the protagonist stands on a difficult path: on the one hand, he wants to meet his mother, on the other, he fears possible rejection, something that leads him into a state of procrastination and passivity. Aidy’s story is one that is common to many people who suffer from familial rejection, the stigma of the past, and unfulfilled desires. Writing comes as an antidote to the vast cauldron of thoughts, not to contain the unceasing thinking, but to help release anger. An anger that does not necessarily conceal a vengeful person, but reveals a broken self struggling to find inner peace, a reassuring answer to this pain, and to finally feel that sense of love covering all his anxieties. Writing becomes a companion on the journey of his internal grief, which is not settled but spreads across space and time. Because while externally he seems to live his daily life normally, moving through bars and the busy life of the city, the weight of grief and the management of negative emotions lean heavily on him and deplete his energy. This wandering, both real and internal, creates a feeling of lack, loss, and inner doubt. His life is a cycle, and in the middle of it, Aidy is confined, unable to easily break this pattern because the trauma persists and intimidates. Through his story, he tries to close the divide between imagination and reality, to give pain a literary value, and to transform his experience into a universal one that touches anyone struggling to find stability in a world where everything is ever-changing. The fact that he imagines a successful life and expresses it through his writing allows him, for a moment, to escape from harsh reality and experience a sense of pleasure. The point is that one does not need to wait for the ideal moment to seize the day. Everyday life, as flat, dull and disheartening as it may become, can just as easily become beautiful and gratifying when one accepts the bittersweet nature of life, cares for their wounds instead of hiding them, and bonds with authentic people, filling it with authentic moments.